Down by the river

Today's the day I'm going to house sit. My duty ends on December 5th. I'm pretty excited about this. Got some pretty good ideas about being a "spiritual" house cleaner. More like a house awakener. That's how I was thinking of it. We'll see how it all goes. There's an awful smell outside. I don't know where it comes from or what it smells like, but it is awful nonetheless. Leaving now. Bye

Drone.

TV time.

Bang bang, ping ping

My dog has flees. My room mate has a problem with it. The living quarters are tight, so I can understand said room mate's frustration, but I'm not used to imposing on others. To say the least, dealing with Lodo's flee problem is a little bit (over-rated) embarrassing. The last thing I want is for my pet to be some kind of burden or hindrance on others. It doesn't look good on me either- I'm not a dirty dingy dog owner! ... anyway... There's not much to do today. Another day ahead. I think I'll fight for it. As usual.

Late!

b b Don't have a desk chair. Don't almost have a desk, but the beaurue I use does look like one. It's used like one too, so, you know, no desk, no desk chair. It adds up. I uh. Coma, blink, scrall. Dad, hey, there you are, I was talking about you. Can you get us booze? Sure, yeah. Superbad. No problem.

Argh!

Posting late. I didn't realize it was Sunday. I guess I didn't realize it was Sunday, Thursday being the last day I posted anything. I guess I took a break, but I didn't mean to. I didn't even think to, I just did. Anyhow, it wasn't some form of slack, it was more a display of the absentness of my days. I cancelled a meeting on Thursday. Would love to meet, but I decided last minute that my persona and demeanor simply do not meet the criteria for good meetings. I was embarrassed by my appearance, and the rain was stopping me from feeling brave. To be honest, I didn't want to make the effort because I was feeling sleezy. I was not up for heading out without confidence or a persevered determination. My confidence was at stake, and rather than risk its demise, I set on a path of quiet sadness and rightousness. Why ever would I want to affront another with the bold declaration of boldness itself that my presentation decrees? I was not in a deffensive mood, and anyway, I was sorry that I didn't look or feel great. Wa. Cancel excused. Vacation, too. I'm back!!!

Pesemist recovery

Good morning! It's lovely weather. I'm looking forward to the day. Going out later today. That should be fun. Hope I don't get stood up.

Whole days do this

The TV is repeating commercials. My dog hates me. I don't feel anxious or blue. It's quiet. It's been a nice short day. The movie I watched was a good, unique learning experience. It was about two guys, Devin and Mac's experience in high school. Well, it was proclamatory. It made its point. The dog's still quiet. Can't seem to cheer her up. I'm doing well on the other hand. Wonder what the night has in store for me.

Sure wish I hadn't of deleted that draft last night...

last night

I can't write tonight. I can't even describe the distraction.

Day break

It was a good night. Settled in with the people I live with. We made dinner, rice and beans with Salmon. I'll spend the day cleaning up. I like it without much to do. It helps that it's quiet around here too. Lodo seems settled in. She actually looks like the kind of dogs you keep indoors at a motor home. All she needs is a bandana. She looks rasta enough. It's a day for celebration. I might watch a movie. I would love to be in Nebraska or Alabama, some where like that. With my husband, and nothing more about me. What a dream. I have a nice little set up here. Like a desk at a window. The outside is interesting enough, but the desk surrounding itself is interesting too. There are things to find. Hmm. Coming up on something: finding something of value that belongs to someone else who only has a sentimental attatchment to it. And somehow, one way or another, you take possesion of it. You come up on it. The owner may or may not know how valuable that actual thing is, but the value increases (or decreases) upon your relationship with it. I don't want to explain an example. But, take for example anyway, an Altoids tin box, I don't think it's worth much, but over the years, it becomes old and somehow antique worthwhile. Somebody else wants it, and I give it to them, the value goes up and they come up. Interestingly, sssssssssssssssssssss I don't think I'm lonely. I'm just preoccupied and wondering. Where is that friend I met in that noise? Smells like lunch box material. What to drink. Yum, yum. Weather is getting colder. I think I'll close the door. I would love to order pizza.

Post night

Picked up my scooter last night. It's parked outside in a comfortable spot. Wonder where I will take it tonight. Doing grocery shopping today. List of things I need: Visited my old home last night, and it looked better. Better than it had ever looked, ever. Somehow, it made it a happier event to leave. Lodo seemed happier. Right about now, I'm wondering why I have so little clothes. And why don't I like what I have now? I think I could use a little black dress.... or a wig. I think that would actually make me feel more comfortable. I'll look into that. Having short hair is depressing me. It's been cut too short. I'd cry more, but nothing really helps. My hair remains short. I won't discuss my vote.

Evening break

Moving right along, the day continues to be quiet. Boring a child to tears. 'It's not my fault,' I think. It just feels good to hear nothing. Just wondering, are babies hungry? Is that what they feel that makes them cry? How strange to feel that as a young child. Must feel good to be satiated. Lodo is lying on her side over there. She looks almost dead. I think it's this new heat. By all means, she has water and fresh air, she's just uncomfortably unsettled. You can tell. I'm not sure that the move has been good to her. I think she misses the old house and doesn't know exactly what's going on. I feel the same way, but we're stuck this way. I comprehend that, she may not be able to. Need to run to the liquor store and buy some soda. Ginger ale would be good. Would like to buy more, essentials. That may be a bad idea. Things are crazy right now. I think I will rest now. I'm feeling kind of tired.

Get-ting situated

Ideas are popping into my head. Having conversations with others about movie making and house cleaning jobs. Anything to get me moving and getting a job done. This is free living. Trying to figure out how far out goes. My dog's been giving me the stinky look. I think she's hungry and I'm not feeding her enough. The motor home is being cleaned. The people who live here are cool (especially for letting me borrow their computer and all). I feel good, and don't want to be an imposition. Certainly don't want to pose one. I have been eating their chips, though. I'll have to help with that. I got us all some donuts for breakfast and made coffee later on. I'd love to be someone's nanny. Just hang out the house and get stuff done. I used to want to be a life coach. I think I could still do something like that. How much pressure do I feel to do the right thing as defined by someone more imposed onto others than me (how is that possible- ha).? Can I accomplish my goals by reaching my dreams? Seems impossible dinit? I'll get through this. I took a swig of optimism in rum this morning and I feel great. Side swiped by the event that leaves you with no place to live and no place to work. None to work at, only with. Employment won't come easily, but it certainly won't come from a large systemic. That's the plan anyway. Get a job I can afford and help it get me moving. I'm excited for things to come. I feel as though I'm so available. Once I have my scooter back, I'll feel more communally mobile. I just want to get around. From point A to point B. **

Brawn before break

Angeybaby. More like Angebaby. Or is it AngyBaby? Well, the first spelling is my screen name. It could use some correction. The dog is outside. It's quiet here too. No more candy. Goodness, I need self control. *** I'm moving in. There's a new place that's letting me stay there for free. It's rough living for now, but there is the freedom of living welcomingly. I appreciate a place to stay and things to do. It's a good time in my life to find something new to do. The next adventure could sweep me up at any time. I would love to open or start my own business someday. I have a lot of suggestions that I think could work out there. I especially like work at home jobs. Maybe not everyone should have them, but there have to be some positions of work where people must stay at a desk and be completely available all day long. 9-5. I could employ someone like that, but somehow, they would have to be paying me to do that! Probably cause the jobs I could offer would be so much better than the typical employment choices out there. Anyway, who wouldn't want to be employed to work at a desk at home. Those people must be looking for bosses out there. Anyone who can employ. Employ. Employ, employ. Personally, I am looking for someone who can structure my life and make it easy to live on. If this person can somehow find me the means to live on my own, the way I want to, I will reimburse them. They would have to find me a car, get me a map, set me up with any kind of living essentials out on the road or where ever he/she finds me a place for living to, and lastly, a firm push home, where I can start on the journey that their structure leads me to. I'm ready and willing to take on a new adventure. *** Taking up smoking. Makes me feel like a writer does. Nothing much to do. I'll keep up, posted. *** The day is creeping by. I've got to hold on to my breeches and maintain some composure.

Mobile Home

This is how I'm going to start my blog. I'm going to not say I'm. It's difficult to describe. Why talk about it at all? It' hppens. The it. I am posted in a non descript motor home. There's a dog outside. Another dog, inside, is Lodo. My dog. Rex, outisde, is the outside dog. He used to be cool but he got buff. He belongs to Carlos and Maria. My dad and his girlfriend. There are noises about me. Proof of the life that I live amongst. Still I feel alone. I try to make myself invisible in this. People don't have to know me. I think I want to keep to myself. Candy might help me feel right. The sugar doesn't help, but the flavor does. I'm trapped in a conveniantly loaded apartment. I'm not complaining, I'm waiting for something to come and take it away! There are things. Seems like things can leeve* (leave, leave). I know a woman named Candy. Turned out I was related to her, through marriage. Candy. C-andy. My dog, Lodo's full name is Lodo-Loraine Toffee Foxie Candy Fox. Goes fine by Lodo. Barely fits the descript of a girl, but yeah, she is a bitch. Hard to go on. Anyway, candy. It might help do the trick: get out of this excuse to worry about nothing. How can I write without causing complaint? The candy is not helping. It's making me nervous and tense. I wonder is Maria has a Valium. Is that insane or what? I don't actually want to take it, I just wonder if it's in here like a thing that side swipes the whole situation. ...Feeling nervous? Here, take one of these! (A Valium). Anyhow, who wants to be that put down? I guess it's okay if you have lots of movies to watch, but I guess I don't remember how good it feels to just enjoy one. Not need it so much as just injest it like a good experience, something your body needs. I mean, it is medicine, isn't it? I'd take it as something to calm me down, not numb my body and mind. I'm not sure that people know what that prescription is for. What are people doing out there? Is anyone still drinking beer? I worry about the younger generation. Do they know what cool is? If I'm not cool, how can anyone after me be cool? I'm not good enough, and I'm what preceeds them. It doesn't make sense. People can't be cool if people like me arn't cool too. [When did I become that old?] Hi, how are you? I'm not sure that's the right way to start a conversation anymore. Where are you going seems more appropriate, and so does 'let me go with you'. The times are coming to jobs. Can I do a job for you? Let me get to know you, what do you need? It's not offensive, but maybe people have to pay to be friends. You can't just want to know someone, you have to. You have to get to know someone before you can ask to know them. How are you? Nevermind, that's a great start. What do you need? Take me with you. Let's work this thing out. Wait a second, do you want to work for me? Ha! Much better. Been sleeping on the ground for the past two nights. It feels good on my back, and I think it makes the night go by faster. I got up for burritos and donuts last night, just like the night before. Living in a motor home ensures close contact with the midnight highway. Two in the morning, donuts. Six in the morning, a great sun rise. Weather chill, bathroom out house. Silence, feels great. The dogs are sleepy, walking around with me. The day feels developed when you live somewhere that keeps you mobile. Ironically, I feel so anchored in. ..Can't wait to get my scooter back. Being out in the open road will be nice. I'll leave the dog and hit the road. I don't want anything to tie me down, but it doesn't hurt too much that something does. It's just the dog. We love each other. Where can't I go? I sure would like to have a two door car again. It's all I need. I could trade my scooter, I wouldn't mind. I like to sit in my car and take the dog around. I would love to move to Oregon or Washington or somewhere quiet and green like that. Humboldt County seems like a probable place. ... I didn't want to take my old car anyway. It was convenient, but it wasn't taking me anywwhere. It kept bringing me home. The scooter actually helps to get my out of the house, but a good sports car or something like that could get me out of town. I know road living is hard, but maybe with company somebody could do it. Where's that cute guy that wants to go with me? It has to be safe anyway. It gets cold at night. I have some money and I don't want a job, but how can one make a living off of that? Somehow, I wish I were going but... perhaps I'm more immobile than I feel. I am feeling regret. It kills, it doesn't go away. It just hurts and there's nothing you can do about it. Be honest, regret is inevited. In-evi-ted. A regretful action is always regretful. "Making up for it," whatever "it" may be, is never an actual correction of a mistake or descision that made you feel regret. It's an effectual cover up. Ultimatly, once you feel regret for anything, you can always feel it and regret it forever more, no matter what. ...Let's not talk about the hypothetical, where the regretful occurance results in something positive. ...Wouldn't something positive have happened if we wouldn't have regretted something in the first place? ... It's just hurtful. It's bad to feel regret. Seems like the feeling will never go away. I guess then, I'm sick. It's killing me. Regret. Regret. Regret. Regret. It'll be okay. This huge chunk of me has to live in wonder. Of, what if. Tear, tear. I' hurts. I' hurts. Where will going make me feel better? Crying, crying. Who can make it feel better? Oh, dear. It reads emotional, but really I'm singing and everything 's natural. My life feels like a desert and I'm enjoying it. Next time some one invites me to go search for a new home, somewhere on the frontier, I'm going to say yes. I'm not going to say no. Yes, we had a set up. Somewhere to live, something to do. I could have gone! There was no reason to hold back, and last minute, I did.. How can I correct that? I don't even keep in touch with him anymore. Our live's paths diverged so far apart. Who knows what it would have been like to give opportunity a try. Can't believe I didn't go for it. He moved to Wyoming. It could have been nice. I feel so solitare. Am I truely alone? Maybe I should have a beer. It's a long walk. I'll see what I can do. More day to go. Feeling good about it. *aware of the misspelling.

First title in a titleless blog

WWHEEW, deep breath. This is the starting of a blog. Wheew, breath. Wwheew, breath.